One way to do this is to stop asking “what if” questions – e.g. what if I get laid off, what if I don’t get chosen, what if things don’t work out. Asking  “what if” questions narrows your perspective, stirs up your anxieties and reduces your confidence in yourself and in your abilities.

Instead of asking “what if”, ask “what else” – what else can I be thinking and what else can I be doing to solve the problem or resolve the challenge I am  facing. Asking “what else” broadens your perspective and helps you recognize possibilities you may have overlooked which in turn supports your sense of  self-efficacy and your self-confidence.

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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Imagine living in a world in which the blind and the deaf were considered uneducable or limited in what or how much  they could learn.

Imagine living in a world in which women were denied access to medical schools.

Now imagine seeing the birth and progress of aviation but being barred or discouraged from pursuing flight as a vocation or  avocation.

And now, imagine a world in which only men could vote.

This is the world into which the following women were born:

Helen Keller (June 27, 1880 – June 1, 1968) who became blind and deaf at 19 months old as the result of a serious  illness. Had it not been for her mother reading Mark Twain’s account of meeting Laura Bridgman (December 21,  1829 – May 24, 1889 – the first American child to gain a significant education in the English language fifty years  before – Helen would have remained isolated from the world. Instead, through the teaching of Anne Sullivan and  Helen’s voracious will to learn, Helen became the first blind and deaf person to graduate from college. Helen Keller  went on to become an author and lecturer who remains one of the most inspirational figures in history.

Elizabeth Blackwell (February 3, 1821 – May 31, 1910) who, in the face of rejection, derision and isolation, became  the first woman to graduate from medical school and who made it her life’s work to help other women become  physicians.

Bessie Coleman (January 26, 1892 – April 30, 1926) heard stories in her brother’s barber shop told by pilots who had returned home after flying in World War I. The stories intrigued and motivated her to learn to fly. But Coleman  could not gain admission to American flight schools because she was black and a woman.  (Nor would black American  aviators train her.) Yet, Coleman went on to be the first African American female pilot and the first African  American to be awarded an international pilot’s license.

Susan B. Anthony (February 15, 1820 – March 13, 1906) was arrested for voting on November 5 in the 1872 Presidential  Election. Anthony went on to play a pivotal role in the suffrage movement and inspired many other women to take up  the cause. And though she died before women were given the right to vote, her dedication, influence and legacy  remain legendary.

Each of these women was born into a time when much of what we now take for granted did not exist. And they are part  of a large sisterhood of women who were moved by a vision, an inner calling, a voice that would not be silenced…to  do the things that had not yet been done.  And though they had their dreams and goals, they lived amongst a majority of people who believed these  things could not or should not be done by a woman. These women had no road maps – they blazed trails, overcame  tremendous obstacles and persevered on – many with little support or guidance.

Some of these women became well-known, inspirational figures; others have remained unsung heroes. But each has left  a rich legacy and has been a catalyst for countless possibilities for generations of women who came after them.   It is so inspiring to read about their courage and their persistence. Honoring, commemorating and celebrating these  great women provides us with role models and sources of inspiration and motivation.

But there is another reason to  do so…their examples illuminate for us how important and crucial it is for each of us to bring  our contributions out into the world. You have gifts and talents that are unique to you. The world continues to need solutions. Your unique talents and gifts are part of the solutions. Not just for women in developed countries but  for millions of women around the world who have few if any of the privileges and possibilities that you and I take for  granted.

Without your contribution, the world will be a poorer place. So honor and celebrate your greatness. Decide  what you want to be your legacy…and then take committed and persistent action.

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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1. Learn everything you can about yourself

“Self-knowledge is the beginning of self-improvement.” – Spanish proverb

There are many wonderful tests out there to understand your personality style, character strengths and natural  instincts.  I recommend the following three tests which measure these facets of you: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator  (MBTI), Seligman’s Signature Strengths and the Kolbe A Index.

Learning the results of these tests can help you:

• be  more accepting and appreciative of yourself
• live a life of more purpose, meaning and satisfaction
• be more  productive, decrease stress and live more instinctively

2. Learn to love and respect yourself

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in  this world.” – Lucille Ball (August 6, 1911 – April 26, 1989), American comedienne, film and television actress and  business executive.

I know a lot of women who are such loving, nurturing people but will be the first to tell you they put everyone’s  needs before their own. Learning to love, accept and respect yourself and put yourself first can be a lifetime  pursuit. If you find it too difficult to do on your own, I highly recommend that you work with a therapist or with  a life coach.

3. Never give up

“I have, despite all disillusionment, never, never allowed myself to feel like giving up. This is my message today;  it is not worthy of a human being to give up.” ? Alva Myrdal(January 31, 1902 – February 1, 1986), Swedish Writer,  Diplomat, former Cabinet Minister, Nobel Peace Prize winner in 1982

Every successful person I know or have read about kept going even when they experienced setbacks and failures. They  refused to give up and to abandon their goals or their ideals. It isn’t easy to persist when when you feel  disillusioned – that’s why it’s so important to have sources of support, encouragement and inspiration on a daily  basis.

4. Be determined

“I refused to take no for an answer.” – Bessie Coleman (January 26, 1892 – April 30, 1926), American aviator; first  African American female pilot who was also the first African American to hold an international pilot license

Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and allow yourself to pursue your goal no matter how many obstacles you  face.  Being determined may look like obstinance and stubborness to others…that’s OK. Let them shake their heads, criticize and laugh.  If you know down to the core that what you want to accomplish is your purpose, you just have  to learn to say no to those who try to stop you and never take no for an answer from others.

5. Practice, Practice, Practice

“I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live  by practicing living, the principles are the same. In each, it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of  facts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one’s being, a satisfaction of  spirit. One becomes, in some area, an athlete of God. Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of  all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired.” – Martha Graham

As I’ve said before, I don’t really believe in “fake it until you make it”, I believe in “Practice until you make  it.” Envision the results you desire – what actions should you take to achieve them? Write them down. Then  practice these actions – both mentally and in real time. Mental practice gets our brains prepared to deal with real  life situations. Then practice in real time. Review your results. Determine where you have to make adjustments  and course corrections. Mentally rehearse these adjusted actions and then go out and try them again. Repeat until  you feel satisfied with the results.

6. Ignore the naysayers

“Don’t let others discourage you or tell you that you can’t do it. In my day I was told women didn’t go into  chemistry. I saw no reason why we couldn’t.” – Gertrude B. Elion, (January 23, 1918 – February 21, 1999), an  American biochemist and pharmacologist, and a 1988 recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine

There never seems to be a shortage of naysayers. They can can be people who care about you and believe they know  what’s best for you. They love you and worry about you so they try and stop you so you don’t fail. Others are  people who seem to enjoy throwing ice water on your dreams. It may be their own insecurity or pessimism that  motivates them or they can just be mean people. No matter what, you need to ignore these naysayers. But do make  sure to find trusted advisers that you can run things by. We do need feedback but only from those who can be  objective and offer constructive criticism.

7. Keep your self-talk positive

“If I ever felt inclined to be timid as I was going into a room full of people, I would say to myself, ‘You’re the  cleverest member of one of the cleverest families in the cleverest class of the cleverest nation. . . why should you  be frightened?’” – Beatrice Potter Webb (January 22, 1858 – April 30, 1943), English sociologist, economist and  social reformer.

Negative self-talk erodes your self-confidence and can keep you from being who you want to be and from doing and  having the things you desire. Because it is a learned behavior, you can learn new behaviors to override it. The  first step in doing so is recognizing your style of thinking and your patterns of negative self-talk; for example:

• “I should have been able to…” or “I must not…” (perfectionistic thinking);
• “Why did I…” or “I never can…” (minimizing what you do right, magnifying flaws)
• “What will they think if…” or “I don’t want them to be mad if I…”, “If only…” (making others an authority over  you)
• “I want to, but…” or “I don’t think I can…” (talking yourself out of doing things before even trying)

Instead:

• Drop words like “should”, “must” and “have to” out of your vocabulary, say: “It would be better if…”, “It’s OK to  or not to…”,  “Everything will still be OK if I don’t….”
• Drop words like always and never from your vocabulary, say: “I did it, now what can I do to either change the  situation or cope with it.”
• Change from disempowering to empowering words like: “I choose to do this”, “No, but thanks for asking”, “Next  time…”
• Change to supportive, encouraging statements like: “I want to and I’m going to give it my best, “I can…” or “It’s  a challenge but I will try…”

8. Be a class act

“Good manners will often take people where neither money nor education will take them.” ~ Fanny Jackson-Coppin  (October 15, 1837 – January 21, 1913), educator. principal and missionary.

Always take the high road. Don’t gossip, don’t put others down. Though we now live in an age where everyone seems  to exercise their right to free speech without any discretion, we have to understand that not everything we think  has to go on “external speaker” – some things are best kept to ourselves.  Don’t complain.  Be a great listener.

9. Don’t be afraid to shift gears and make changes

“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” – Dolly Parton (January 19, 1946-),  singer-songwriter, actress, author, and philanthropist

“Lucky for me, as old as I am, I can still change.” – Alice Neel, (January 28, 1900 – October 13, 1984), one of the  great American painters of the twentieth century

Successful people embody characteristics like resilience and flexibility; they adapt, grow, change and reinvent  themselves.  Growth can and should take place at every stage of human development, no matter that your age.  If you  feel discontented with the course of your life, it’s time to get some coaching to discover how to be more content  and create the life you want. If you are content but feel you could be or do more, embark on a quest to discover  what would be the best expression of that desire.

10. Learn to be a generous giver AND receiver

“If you hold your hand closed, nothing good can come in. The open hand is blessed, for it gives in abundance, even  as it receives.” – Biddy Mason (August 15, 1818 – January 15, 1891), nurse, real estate entrepreneur and  philanthropist.

Be generous in sharing your time, your money, your talent, your expertise. It feels great and the world needs what  you have to offer.  But also, be generous with yourself. Let others give to you and be of help to you. It feels  great and and helps you grow as a human being.

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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By the way, I am not a proponent of sharing how you feel in a moment like this – for example saying “I really feel hurt by that.”  Understand that how you feel is irrelevant because this interaction is really not about you – it’s about the other person. Moreover, it is my strong belief that we should only share our feelings with those who truly care about us and are committed to us.

Another way to hand a person’s negativity back to them…

When a person snaps at you or says something negative, you can look at them and genuinely say “Are you all right?”, “Is there anything wrong?”, or “You sound upset.”  Once again, this hands the problem back to the person who just spoke in a negative way and frees you of the responsibility of having to deal with it.

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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There’s no sense denying it or wishing it weren’t so. We cannot change how people are – all we can change is how we react to them.  As I tell the children I have worked with as a psychotherapist, “I am not in the business of changing bullies, I’m in the business of helping you not be a victim.”

The same applies to you. If you are a person who takes things personally and gets defensive AND you want to become a self-confident person who realizes her potential, you are going to have to learn to become functional in your sensitivity. It’s wonderful to be sensitive but you can’t continue to get flattened by the insensitivity of others. Accept that there are people who just don’t play nice AND you do not have to be their willing victim.

Some people are insecure and may be threatened by you so they act in ways that lack integrity.

Some people are very hurt, unhappy individuals and dump their feelings onto others.

Some people are clueless when it comes to appropriate interactions and say and do things that come across as rude.

And some people are just plain narcissistic and think the world of themselves and could care less how you or anyone else feels just as long as their needs get met.

Whatever type of negative person you run across, continue to remind yourself that you don’t have to be his or her victim. As the great Eleanor Roosevelt (Former First Lady of the United States) said: “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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There’s a good reason for trusting your gut – one rooted in neuroscience:   ”The gut can work independently of any control by the brain in your head—it’s functioning as a second brain,” says Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia. “It’s another independent center of integrative neural activity.” (quote from a Psychology Today article titled “Your Backup Brain”)

Learning to trust our gut feelings is an important component of becoming self-confident.  If we ignore our gut feelings and things go wrong, we land up doubting ourselves and feeling disempowered.  We miss opportunities and can feel cheated – all a recipe for our confidence to spiral down.

When we trust our gut and act on it, we experience self-efficacy and a sense of personal power.  We are more likely to become aware of opportunities that can bring us more success in the future – which is a recipe for increased self-confidence.

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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The first thing I did after reading Goodman’s quote was to make a list of my potential.  I did not make one of those “let it all out” kinds of lists where I listed every wish, dream and desire.   I realized that making these kinds of lists – which I have done several times in the past – are really distractions for me.  Yes, there are many things for which I have the potential, but on this new list, I decided to focus on what is really important to me at this stage of my life.  There are only three items on the list – when those are accomplished, I will add more.  But the most important thing is to realize those items .

You see, in focusing on my potential, I also became acutely aware of what holds me back from realizing it.  I am an idealist and love to live in possibilities.  Problem is, I don’t always do what is necessary to achieve these possibilities.  I really mean to but then the days fly by and I come to the end of another year, still holding on to these possibilities but few of them realized.

As a remedy, I am not going to put myself on a rigorous schedule of deadlines – that will not work for me.  But I will engage in a practice of doing small things on a daily basis that will create both the foundation and the momentum for my potential to be realized.  Small things for each of the three items on my list.  Continuous, steady progress – with an attention to what is working and what can be done better modifying and tweaking as I go.  I can live with that.

Leave your comments and let me know the potential you will be realizing this year and the small, continuous steps you will be taking.

I wish you great success!

©2013

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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Sit or lie down in a quiet place.  Close your eyes.

In your mind’s eye, imagine you are standing at the top of a lovely set if stairs in beautiful surroundings – outdoors or indoors.  If you would prefer instead, you could see yourself in a beautiful glass elevator from which you have a fabulous view.  Use whichever means is most comfortable for you.

Count backwards from 20 (twenty) down to 1 (one).  For every number you say slowly, see yourself going down a step or descending one floor.  Don’t rush through the experience, allow yourself to fully relax as you descend.

Once you reach the number one, see yourself entering into a place that you feel and know is safe and peaceful.

It can be anywhere or anything that you imagine it to be.  Allow yourself to take in the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tactile feelings (e.g., a warm breeze against your cheek).

Imagine there is a beautiful place to sit down, surrounded by your peaceful scene.

Sit down.

Now, let yourself really imagine the life that you want to live.  See your life unfold as you want it to be – living the life you want to be living.

See yourself confidently doing the things you want to do.  Experience the feelings you would feel as you live this life.  Tune into the thoughts you are having as you go about your best life.

Sit for 5 minutes imagining and envisioning the life you want to lead in this peaceful environment.

After 5 minutes, in your mind’s eye, stand up and look around you.  Be grateful for all you have experienced here.  Say goodbye to your peaceful surroundings and return to the set of 20 stairs or the glass elevator.  Know that you can return here any time.

Now slowly count up from 1 (one) to 20 (twenty), ascending one step or one floor at a time.  As you ascend, feel a renewed sense of calmness and gentle energy warming your body, mind and spirit.

Once you reach the 20^th step or floor feeling fully relaxed and gently energized, open your eyes.  Gently stretch.  Relax your shoulders, take in a deep breath and let it out with a pleasant sigh.

Suggested Written Exercise to Reinforce the Visualization:

When you have an opportunity, write about your experience.  Here are some questions for you to consider answering:

• What were you feeling, thinking, and doing in the visualization?
• What skills, assets, talents and strengths did you see yourself using?
• Did you observe yourself using any new strengths or talents?

©2012

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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What do these people have in common? Persistence. Without it classic books, indispensable inventions, incredible accomplishments and great movies would never have been actualized. Each of these people attained notable achievements by never giving up.

And though these stories serve to inspire us, it isn’t always easy to remember them when we are caught up in the day to day struggles of building a business or achieving a goal like writing a book.

No…most days aren’t spent in exhilarating thoughts of planting a flag at the top of a mountain or seeing your book on the New York Times Best Seller List. Many days are spent feeling a bit like Sisyphus, the classic character from Greek mythology whom many see as the poster boy for futility.

Because he defied and outwitted the gods (the arrogant gods never liked seeing arrogance in their creations), Sisyphus received the punishment of having to roll a large stone up a mountain, reach the top and then watch it roll back down only to trudge back down to do it all again.

So how do you get through the day to day frustrations encountered on the road to your greatness? What do you do when there are way too many Sisyphusian days?  Here are three tips for persisting in a more passive rather than active way:

1.  Persist through not doing rather than doing 

When the going gets tough, take a nap, take a day off, meet with friends or watch a mindless TV show or movie. In other words, get in some quality down time. Down time is essential – it really does refuel your creative mental energy.

2.  Practice mindfulness

When the inevitable breakdowns and frustrations overwhelm you, the practice of mindfulness techniques can be beneficial. One technique is to close your eyes and for several minutes just monitor your thoughts and body sensations. Identify what comes up as either a physical sensation (e.g., a muscle twitch), or a feeling sensation (e.g., sadness), a visual thought (e.g., mental image of a loved one), or thinking (e.g. words).

Another technique that is helpful for handling overwhelm is to actually start naming things you see around you. This helps to ground you to reality. Do this until you feel overwhelm, frustration or panic subside.

3.  Choose a different feeling other than frustration when things are going wrong

We have the opportunity in every moment to choose our reactions. It truly does seem futile when all we ever can do is feel frustrated or hopeless when we are thwarted or we don’t succeed. This teaches the brain only one way to react which strengthens the likelihood of it happening again and again.

Try a different feeling on for size. Even if you started immediately reacting with frustration, consciously choose to switch gears. Decide to feel amused or curious rather than frustrated. Choose to be happy…joke, laugh, dance or move. Do something totally different than your brain has programmed you to do.

©2009, 2012

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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Giving thanks – “having an attitude of gratitude” – makes people feel good…about themselves and about others.  Gratitude gives us comfort and reminds us just how fortunate we are.

Motivational speakers and spiritual teachers recommend keeping “gratitude journals” to keep our spirits buoyed and to attract more good things into our lives.  As a therapist, I asked the families I worked with to express gratitude to each family member every night before going to bed for one act done by that person for which he or she was grateful.  This exercise helped families faced with daily challenges to experience brief respites of love and hope in the face of seemingly endless strife.

Makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it – all the wonderful things we are grateful for, doesn’t it?  But I realized something a long time ago – that it’s easy to be grateful when things are good…not so much when life is challenging.

This brings to mind the words of St. Paul – the persecutor turned apostle – who repeatedly exhorted the readers of his epistles to “give thanks in all things.”  Now, I am not a religious person, but those words (which I heard in church many times during my childhood) stuck with me…probably because they gave me – when I was finally able to understand them – a different framework to view all of life’s experiences.

No, I will never be grateful for the personal and collective tragedies themselves that have occurred in my lifetime and in history.  But I am grateful for the moments of intense awakening, clarity and growth that have sprung from these great tragedies.

Mostly, I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned through the challenges I have faced and resolved – many of which I have brought on myself.  Though I have hated and bemoaned them while I was going through them, I have always been amazed at how they have helped me grow.  (And I am getting better at weeping and wailing far less while in the throws of these challenges.  It’s good to have finally arrived at the place where I can lovingly and firmly tell myself to “Get over yourself, Kate”.)

Being grateful for all things – good and bad – is not for wimps and sissies.  But it does go along way to strengthening our backbones and building our character.  Now, there’s something to be grateful for.

©2012

Kate Sanner

CEO and Founder of Vivacity®

http://VivacityNow.com

Coach and Consultant at KateSanner.com

A Division of Vivacity®

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